Oh Shit, Why can't i quit?!

I had a feeling in the back of my mind that my drinking was getting a bit out of hand. I had gone from only really drinking when i went out to drinking at home most nights within a few years and i was starting to think that it was weird that i would always start the week with the intention not to drink again until Friday but i'd be lucky if i even made it through the Monday and Tuesday!

It took me a while to realise that i wasn't just giving in and drinking because i wanted to have a drink but because i had slowly become reliant on my nightly habit and i would struggle to have even one night without a couple of glasses (or bottles) of wine. WTF! How has this happened and more importantly when the fuck did this happen?

It felt like i had gone from a fun loving, take it or leave it drinker to someone who would sneakily drink mini bottles of wine so that no one would know i had drank more than i had intended too (again). I don't even know who i was hiding it from? Myself maybe?

It had totally crept up on me and i remember being really shocked and pissed off with myself when i decided to take a break from booze and found that it was actually really hard. Well, i actually took multiple breaks and had fuck knows how many failed attempts and it wasn't until then that i really knew that my drinking had, at some point, taken over.

It was always in my thoughts and i didn't have the control i thought i'd got. Alcohol held all the power over me and i would make excuses for it like i was in some sort of an abusive relationship. It's not alcohols fault it's mine. I should be able to control myself. No one else has trouble not drinking. I loved drinking and i wanted it in my life.

I tried countless attempts at moderation, set all sorts of rules for myself and no matter what i tried i always ended up back where i started. I was starting to think it was easier just to drink.

I vividly remember thinking "oh shit, why can't i quit'. And it was a scary place to be!

That was probably around 6 years ago now and i am almost 3 years Alcohol-Free so as you can work out for yourself the i didn't take the straight road in this journey but i have learnt from everything i went through and i i still am learning.

If you are reading thinking oh shit, thats me, i can't quit either, then know that you absolutely can do anything and i am your biggest cheerleader!

Big Love

Sober Gem x

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